Oooo… in my haste I forgot a vital part of the in-game… But this is okay, as it’s such an important part of the in-game that it deserves a section to itself…
Rolling stats: stats are ludicrously important. In D&D stat bonuses start a tad lower than in the adult variant AD&D, so your cheating can be a touch subtler… In AD&D if your Fighter doesn’t have 18/00 Str then he might as well not exist… It is imperative not to roll up your character one-to-one in front of the DM… Far far far too important to leave to random chance! Thus I suggest two possible tactics…
- Show your enthusiasm for the game and say to the DM, “I was so excited about starting a new campaign again that I couldn’t sleep a wink last night, so I thought I’d roll up a character… I hope that’s alright? [quick, don’t give him a chance to reply] I even wrote a background for him and everything!” Now bring out a wad of paper covered in enthusiastic scribble! I suggest that your DM would have to be a heartless bastard to make all your efforts go to waste… Quickly, pass him the character sheet and your background notes [just copy some crap off the internet, he’s never going to read it anyway]. If he starts scrutinising your stats too severely, quickly pull out that character sketch you made and draw his attention to the family crest on his armour and make up some mysterious plot-hook ridden shite as you pass him a Snickers that just fell out your bag… the fat bastard will just be pleased that someone other than himself is happy to be there….
- It’s all gone wrong, the cunt says that he wants characters rolled up there and then or maybe you can’t be bothered with all those notes and just like to fly by the seat of your pants… Well, you cannot roll up a character one to one with the DM! That would mean letting the dice win! But what you can do is start passing around all the manuals and dice and character sheets and start a big old character generation session with everyone at once… careful not to sit too near the DM tho… Coz you don’t want him to see those dice too clearly… The best way to achieve this is if you have organised things so a newbie or two has joined the group (possibly the friend who asked about “winners and losers”), now you can take charge, ignoring the protesting DM and split the group into two groups and assist one of the newbies with rolling up his character… Making sure to encourage him to play a thief if possible… While he nervously pencils in his stats, class, etc… you should randomly roll 3d6 in the other hand and when a desirable result occurs hastily write it down or, if no one is observing you too closely, then roll the dice and write whatever you like in… The more players and the more newbies the better for this approach to work. If possible arrange for some non-playing friends to turn up or a girl friend or whore to flirt with the DM. Distraction is the key! Have your phone ringing, music playing, maybe dump a load of munchies food on the table for fatso to munch on… Ask him questions about the game… Get the inside track… if it’s going to be a maritime setting, then for fuck’s sake don’t play a Ranger!
Okay, so let’s assume that you’ve got one of these two methods going nicely… What stats should you “roll?” Well, leave randomness to the losers and identify the most important stats. These, if you don’t know, are Str, Con and Dex. there are no others!
All characters gain from high Str, Con and Dex because despite the term “role-playing” everyone knows that the game is actually a glorified war game and not a homegrown improv acting experience. Everything about the game, the rules, its evolution and heritage, the genre, even the concept actively encourage combat, so don’t be shy, give yourself the best chance to survive and give yourself a bonus on your “to hit” rolls, HP, AC and missile… Which is best all depends, but I’d suggest that Dex is handy for all character classes, with Str then Con next for fighters or con then Str for all others, maybe… Bare in mind that if your DM is dumb enough to allow exp bonuses for high stats in prime attributes, then you should definitely aim to get an extra 10% exp, as Levels are more important than anything else! If you think that Str & Con aren’t important for Magic-Users then, my friend, you are looking at a dead Magic User… With a poxy 1d4 HD, you cannot afford not to have a HP bonus from Con. Str is less essential, but despite your best efforts you simply will eventually have to mix it toe to toe with a goblin or two after you cast your one and only Magic Missile spell, so remember that even +1 bonus to Str effectively increases your chance to hit by 5% and it will add 25% extra damage to a dagger attack or ~16% extra damage from a staff… You’d be an idiot not to take it if you can.
AD&D puts the potential Winner who wants to play a Fighter in a tricky position as it doesn’t end with 18 Str, you then have to bluff the DM that you also happened to roll 18/00 Str… a statistical improbability… You might get away with it, but I suggest you aim for something with a ring of truth to it and play the loooong game… Let’s say 18/71…. An annoying roll in reality because if you rolled a few % higher you’d have got an extra +1 to damage… Or 19/53… phew, you just scored enough to get other the 50% mark and get an extra +1 to hit… All of which is statistically almost as unlikely as rolling 18/00, but your DM will accept it… Because, he’s an idiot.
So, what about Int, Wiz and Cha or the useless stats. Well, unless you’re a Magic-User or a Cleric then ignore them. Make your Fighter or Cleric stupid and ugly… Make your Magic User unwise and ugly… It doesn’t matter… Stats make no more difference to how you role-play than alignment does. If you’re lawful-good then you can still massacre those orcs coz they’re evil… Simples! If your character has an Int of 6 does that make him stupid? Of course not… he doesn’t exist, you are playing him, so he’s no more stupider than you are! (this might not be saying much…) Of all of them only Wiz has any worth as a stats in its own right due to the save bonus, thus it might potentially assist your survival chances a little… But extra languages and reaction rolls are worthless. I’ve never known a DM to take any notice to either of them! But as I said, keep an eye on exp bonuses… this is essential!
So, we’ve established that overall Int & Cha are almost worthless in playing any roll in your character’s survival survival, so pop in a really low “roll” in one of them. I’d suggest Int over Cha, to arrest suspicion, as Cha’s place in the position of useless stats is well known by most experienced D&D players and DMs, while there is a misplaced belief that Int is important in-game (and out) amongst the RPG fraternity… But by all means consider sacrificing Wiz too… The saving throw bonus is unlikely to be essential as you think it is… DMs are loathed to kill characters on the roll of one dice as it is likely to result in the players boycotting their stupid game… They crave popularity and praise for their shitty fantasy world creation.
So, let’s put this to the test with some realistically random looking stats that aren’t so gross that they’re going to alert even the stupidest DM to your special method… How about these for some stats for a Fighter in AD&D.1… would you believe them?
- Str: 18/57, Int: 7, Wiz: 10, Con: 15, Dex: 16, Cha: 9
Not grotesque at all, but every stat squeezes the most out of the numbers while sacrificing the most expendable. Statistically those are very unlikely numbers that fall well above the bell-curve in all the important areas, but at a glance… Well, I’ve seen less likely.
If your DM is weak then you might blag 18 in Str, Dex and Con! I have! But Basic D&D is better as it has a fairer stat bonus distribution, meaning that more reasonable numbers can be generated, while still getting a good return in bonuses, especially for Str! Thus Fighters are much better off in the baby system! Indeed, they’re much better off in Basic as they don’t have guff like weapon profs to worry about…
Remember race modifiers make extraordinary “rolls” seem much more likely. If the above character was an elf or a dwarf, then very few questions would be asked (except I might reverse the Con and Dex for a Dwarf, just for aesthetic reasons)…
Note: I’d give myself a fluky high Int of 18 and sacrifice a bit of Str and Con if I wanted to later duel-class to being a Magic User.
Okay, how about this for a Magic-User?
- Str: 9, Int: 18, Wiz: 7, Dex: 16, Con: 15, Cha: 5
As you see I kept Dex and Con the same as they’re by far the most useful stats. As you can see, I’m sacrificing high Str, as due to the stupid stat bonus system used in AD&D I’d have to blag some very unlikely “rolls” for very little reward, which might draw far too much attention at this early and vital stage… However, if this was a Basic D&D MU then I’d make sure I got a +1 to hit/damage out of my Str…
Int is essential if I want to cast the highest Level of Spells in AD&D and there’s no way I’m going to play a Magic User unless I’m very sure it’s going to be a long campaign and I’m going to get to play with all those power spells. Also, I want my exp bonus to help speed up those early weak as a kitten levels! Wiz & Cha have again been sacrificed at almost no loss to my survival chances. fuck them both!
Want a Cleric? Then use the Fighter stats above, except crank up the Wiz to 17 or 18 for the exp bonus (not vital as you need less exp to gain levels than most other classes do anyway) and trim the Str to 11 or something. Or if you prefer to keep some sort of damage bonus then dump the high Con or Dex and have a Str of 16 or 17 instead… Personally I’d keep the Dex at all costs tho… But there’s room for experimentation… Try pushing the boundaries of probability in unlikely areas… Why not Dex 18 with Con & Str of ~10-12… Okay, no damage or HP bonuses but reducing your chance of being hit by 20% looks tasty and such a high Dex seems so odd on a Cleric (no reason why if should be rarer on a Cleric than a Thief tho) that no one will suspect artistic license, especially with all you other rolls being so crap… Okay, with only a sling as a viable missile weapon the missile bonus doesn’t look as sweet as a juicy HP or damage bonus at first glance, but don’t sneeze at the combination of a cleric in plate mail and shield with a -4AC bonus! And who needs HP bonuses when you’ve got those Cure Light Wound spells… Even an idiot could keep this mofo alive… Sweet!
Most DMs won’t insist in rolling HP at 1st level, but if they do then it’s essential you cheat. As you progress you should ensure that you never roll less than 50% your possible HP. It goes without saying that you should never allow the DM or other players to see any of these rolls! Or at worse make sure you’ve seen another player “fudge” these rolls and give him a knowing wink first, then you can always build an alliance between each other… Obviously you’re going to have to make sure that he dies before you, so he knows his place…
Another top tip: use pencil and write lightly. Unless your DM is keeping copies of your character sheets (if so then it is essential that you remove these from his pile of notes and manuals and destroy them), then you should get away with some in-game alterations… Why not raise a stat or two by a point here and there after a level or two has passed… After all, it might not be in the “rules” but isn’t it realistic to assume that your mighty warrior might get stronger with all those GP he’s lugging about?
HPs too should be marked with feather light pencil strokes… By mid-Level your DM is unlikely to have a clue as to how many HP you should be on… especially during a mega-dungeon… There is really little excuse for having your HP reduced to zero after 3rd Level if you are careful… If you get caught, bluff this out by pretending to be shite at math!
For the expert: a deliberate miscalculation of AC, in your favour, when applying a Dex bonus might not be a bad thing either. It’s unlikely that a DM will bother to double check this shit, so be creative – but not too greedy. No one knows what saving throws should be, so take some liberties and read off the wrong line… You can probably add GP by the 1,000 after a few adventures and get away with it too… In reality GPs have little purpose other than gaining levels, but you never know when you might need to buy an extra suit of plate mail or so…
I hope these tips have been helpful. Okay, that’s enough advice as to how to be a better role-player… Next up will be the meta-game… by the end of the campaign not only will you be the only PC alive, but you’ll also be the only player with an sanity left…
